she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
