Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
