sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
