I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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