were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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