No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
