definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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