I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
