I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
