Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
