i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Randomize
