There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
