I'm pants shitting drunk right now
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
