I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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