He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
