I wish I could teleport
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
