Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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