fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
