you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
