Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
