So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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