so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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