she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
