Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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