I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
