i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
