my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
