Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
