You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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