Can i not drive my cunt home
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
