thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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