it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
