I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
