Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
