I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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