in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
