I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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