But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
