Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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