So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
