I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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