if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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