just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
