I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
