Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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