I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
