Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
So here I am, sexting at work.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
