Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
