Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
