you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
