Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
